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Ostomy Humour

Page 2 Of Ostomy Humour

Reasons Why It's Great To Have An Ostomy

Feel free to use the form at the bottom of this page if you have any more suggestions.

  1. You are alive and well
  2. No more pain
  3. No more diarrhoea
  4. No more "special" diets
  5. No more running to the toilet and hoping you make it on time!
  6. No more medications
  7. No one can call you "anal retentive"
  8. You can't get hemmarrhoids
  9. Filthy public toilets?? No problems - you don't have to sit on the seat to empty anyway!
  10. You can say "yes, I have guts - I've seen them!"
  11. You can make some great "net" friends via the ostomy message boards and newsgroups
  12. You can't get constipated (although blockages are no fun!)
  13. Sometimes you can see what you ate 4 or 5 hours beforehand (this is a good thing???)
  14. You can freak your doctor out by drinking "Blue Bolt" Gatorade before a visit - try this one - it turns your poop bright green!
  15. Or try eating or drinking something red, eg jelly - turns your poop red!
  16. If there is suddenly a "certain" smell in the room, you can confidently say "It wasn't me!" (unless of course you have a leakage, even then try and put the blame on someone else.)
  17. You can confuse people by telling them they're a pain in the "you-know-what" but at the same time point to your stomach region.
  18. You can not only study your navel but you can study something else as well! (Starr)
  19. You now understand the jingle for the commercial that goes "I am stuck on glad lock bags and glad locks stuck on me!" (Irma)
  20. ?I am my own Science project. (Ashley)
  21. ?With a large part of me gone, maybe when I die I will get a discount if I get cremated. (Ashley)
  22. ?If you ever get pulled over by a cop just pull off your bag and scream. If that doesn't get you out of a speeding ticket I don't know what will. (Ashley)
  23. ?You can buy cheap toilet paper and it won't matter. (Ashley)
  24. ?When I diet I have less weight to loose than other people. (Ashley)
  25. If I join the space program I will be way ahead of my class in the waste storage department. (Ashley)
  26. I can truly say I know myself inside and out. (Ashley)
  27. A pouched stoma is a nice hand warmer on a cold day. (Ashley)
  28. If I am ever lost at sea I can fill my pouch up with air and use it as a flotation device. (Ashley)
  29. When you tell people if you don't get to a bathroom right now you will explode, it is no joke. (Ashley)
  30. You can be hired by a major movie studio as a sound effects advisor because as soon as my stoma starts making noises the dogs and the coyotes begin to howl (I'm from Arizona, have been to Australia many times, G'Day mate!!) ( Ingrid)
  31. You use less toilet paper!......Paul
  32. When you say you have to go to the 'library' you really mean it! No more sitting forever on a toilet......Susan R
  33. That old insult "Your are full of s--t" is demonstrably untrue....Carl White
  34. Never having to (or even being able to) have another colonoscopy or drink another gallon of Golytly!! Yeah!!...Zokolo
  35. Not having to locate every bathroom along any walking course of more than 10 minutes.....Zokolo
  36. No rectal exams or barium enemas (well they do enemas thru the stoma but that's nothing comparatively. :) And you don't have to drink as much yucky stuff cause it goes thru FAST....Libbydoo
  37. When somebody calls you a butthole, you can call them a liar (and if it's somebody that knows why, they get really embarrassed) LOL...Libbydoo
  38. No more Hemorrhoids!....robtad
  39. ...or peri-rectal abscesses or fistulas or cancer or...David
  40. Recently while shopping ( and in a bad mood) my friend asked me " what crawled up your butt and died today?! I looked her straight in the eye and told her " "nothing could possibly crawl up there. That possibility had been surgically removed." We then had a good laugh and went on with our shopping...in a much better mood I may add.....Tracy
  41. I don't have an ileostomy, I have a "biomechanical multitasker".....Dean
  42. Going to the bath room on a camping trip is not a problem any more! (Guillaume)
  43. Whenever I hear the saying "excuses are like buttholes, everybody has one" I can refute it. (Ken)
  44. It's great to have a urostomy because now I can finally pee standing up! ( Judith)
  45. Good thing about having a colostomy is: not having to sit in the bathroom hours on end being bored outta your mind. And no more of that reading everything in site such as shampoo ingredients LoL ( Julie)
  46. You can torture your family on a cold winter's day in Canada. While all of the windows are closed 'burp' your pouch.P.U.! (Vanessa)



I'm a 33 year old ileostomate and while bored at work the other day, I came up with a top 10 list I think even David Letterman might be proud of (if he were an ostomate and GOT half the references). Hope you enjoy and that I don't offend anyone. :)

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN AN ILEO/COLOSTOMATE FOR TOO LONG ...

  1. You get gleeful at the ease of emptying your bag the first time after changing it.
  2. (For men) You find scratching under the bag to be as natural as scratching your ass in the morning.
  3. (For women) Spare bag clips make dandy hair accessories in a pinch!
  4. You draw upside down smiley faces on your bag so something is smiling at you whenever you go to the bathroom.
  5. You can strip your bed, change your bag and put clean sheets on while still sleeping.
  6. You name your stoma and your bag and celebrate their birthday. (My bag's name is Phil, my stoma's Thpbbt and their birthday is March 24th ... I have a "Bring Your Own Bag" party every year!)
  7. If someone smelt it, you can prove you hadn't "dealt" it.
  8. You drink a lot of beer and/or soda just to see how quickly the bag will fill with gas.
  9. You eat certain foods, like red licorice or lots of pesto, to watch your output change color.
  10. When someone says "Man, I gotta take a dump", you proudly say "I'M taking a dump RIGHT NOW!"
    .... Lauren

  11. You absent-mindedly feel the bottom of your bag to see if it needs emptying in front of strangers. (Yes, I've done it!) (Bill)


NOW FOR SOME OSTOMY JOKES

(Please don't get offended by these - One of the greatest assets a person can have is the ability to laugh at themselves).

I found these on the alt.support.ostomy newsgroup:

Q. What do you call an ostomate with excessive gas?
A. A Pouch Puffer

Q. What statement do ostomates include on their resume?
A. Have bag. Will travel.

Q. What is an ostomates favorite punctuation mark?
A. A semi-colon.

Q. Why wouldn't the urostomates pouch stay on?
A. It was pissed off.

Q. Why did the UC patient buy a dishwasher and refrigerator before surgery?
A. Because the doctor told him he'd need to get some appliances.

Thank you,

N. Testine
Colon O'scopy
Cole Itis
U. Wreathra

(Posted by PattyPCLab)


*sigh* - I just can't find any shoes to match my bag!!!!!


INTRODUCING...
THE NEW "OSTOMY BARBIE"

Doesn't she look well after her surgery?
And just to prove your bag can't be seen under your clothes, here's Barbie all dressed up. Can you see her bag?

How much would you expect to pay for this limited edition Barbie? But wait, there's more! If you order now, you will receive a month's worth of free bags in your preferred size of mini, medium or maxi (please state preference of one piece or two piece), free skin wipes and a month's worth of Skin Prep all for four easy payments of $29.95 (Cheques made payable to Shaz).

Belts and ostomy lingerie sold separately.


Colostomy bags makes great containers for party favors and trick or treat at halloween. and it's alot of fun to watch them say, "What th...."
Anna
I was shopping at Walmart with my 3 year old neice one day and needed to go pee. Well I couldn't just leave her waiting outside of the bathroom stall at that young age, she would have to go into the stall with me. I was really nervous about letting her see my pouch because I happen to have on a transparent pouch that day. Well I tried very hard to keep my shirt covering it, but as we know kids notice everything. As I was standing up she noticed it and asked me "Hey! Why are you saving your poop for later? We can get you some diapers while we're here. I wear them too." (As she pulls her pants down and shows me her diaper explaining to me they would be much more comfortable then my appliance and they hold alot more poop and also come in Barbie designs). I found this so hilarious. It is true the saying "Out of the mouth of babes". =D
Abbe
While my husband, son and I are watching tv quite often one of the boys, or even our dog, will break wind. My son, eager to find the culprit (or to blame it on someone else if it was him!) will immediately ask who did it and look around the room. My husband always tells him not to bother looking at me, we all know I couldn't have done it!
Candi
I told my wife that no matter how badly something might scare me, I won't crap my pants...
It also occured to me that if a man were to have intercourse with a woman wearing a bag, he's guaranteed that she's not going to fart!
That made me laugh!
Chuck
I love to paint so after my ileostomy I looked for mini bags that I could paint on to make pins out of them. I painted on the bags BAG LADY. I went to visit my surgon with this on. He said that I had a great outlook. I told him "hey, the truth can be funny. If we do not laugh at ourselves, we would most likley be crying." So lets all Laugh :)
Mary Kay
Hey! His feet are on backwards!
A ten year old boy made this keen observation after he noticed that the gap between the wall of the stall and the floor showed my britches down around my ankles and my feet facing the wrong way.
Ah, the joys of public restrooms.
John
In the 80's, I took care of a lady that had a colostomy. One day I had to call the paramedics to take her to the hospital, being her nurse I was permitted into the ER with her. The ER nurse was trying to put a thermometer in her rectum, I calmly pointed to her coly bag and said "does that mean anything to you?" She said "no". I called the ambulance company and said we were transferring my patient to another hospital. Her son, a Annapolis Grad, walked in as I was doing this and said, "Why?" I said, "Son, if a nurse here tries to stick a thermometer in a rectum that has obviously been removed, do you really want your mom here?" The second hospital was great. They knew their S--t!
Elderstar
Irish Ostomy Songs:
Wearing of the Bag
Who Put the Ostomy Bag in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder
I'll Change Your Bag Again Kathleen.

A Dorky individual introduced himself as "DirtBag" When asked why, he said he had a Colostomy. A followup of what was your name before the colostomy? His answer "Asshole"
John


You know what I think is really neat about my ostomy? When you're with a close friend and all is quiet, then you hear this unique sound {no, not that sound}. It sounds exactly like a water droplet, just like a drip from a water faucet. My friend looks at my stomach in shock and so do I, and we bust out laughing. Never in my life have I heard such a thing, only from a leaky faucet. But hey, it beats the OTHER noises, and it's pleasant to listen to. Boink! Boink! It only lasts a few moments and rarely happens, but when it does it puts a smile on my face, and others too.
Pam
Our old {elderly} car is the only one of it's kind with a left front airbag!
Sally
My husband and I went to a movie and I had to go potty. Well I went in the stall and next to me was a mom and her son. I was standing up at the toilet like a man emptying my urostomy bag and the little boy looks under and said, "Mommy this lady is standing up like me, pee peeing". I walked out and the Lady looked at me and I just smiled. She just looked at me.
Debbie Durham
My hero is James Brown, he wrote a song for us called "Papa's got a brand new bag". This statement on a license plate frame is what I've been asking my kids to get me for my birthday.
My ET nurse told me before surgery that it will sort of look like a rose bud, and it does. I was considering having a tatoo of a rose stem and leaves leading up to my rose bud; but, have not yet had the guts to get it done.
Tony
Since I have had my ileostomy my father and I can be watching TV and he will be watching nothing that I am interested in. I will bug him long enough to give me the remote and he will finally reply with "If you don't hush I am going to ram this up your butt!" Now I can look at him and say "That is without a doubt, impossible!" My father is a hoot.
JoAnna Inman
My Brother, after my surgery, started calling me "the bag lady"
Jan
It never ceases to amaze me that although I had my surgery done 5 months ago my husband stills asks me if I farted.
Ali
The old saying is: The difference between men & women is that men stand up to "pee", women can't... Bet me Buckwheat!...
I've also had people ask me what a "stoma" looks like. I usually say mine looks like a "red dog's dick." (You know... like when a dog gets "excited" and "it" protrudes out.) Ha! Ha.
Lasche
Nicknames I have been given from those who love me: Ziploc and the Gutless Wonder.
I have also been referred to as "closed for business".
First time I ever took a bath with the bag off, I was letting a little air out and it created bubbles under water so I sat there humming "Yellow submarine" and smiling.
Karen Ellis
About 4am one day last week I heard a soft "poof" sound as if air were escaping from something like, oh, I don't know-- a pouch? My nose soon supported my suspicions and the moisture on my fingers confirmed that I did, indeed, have a situation. In the bathroom I saw that my wafer had come loose allowing stool to take the less-resistant path between the wafer and my skin to the waistband of my pajamas. Fortunately, there wasn't that much of it, and what there was was confined to/by my clothing. My shower was a little earlier than usual that morning, and after only two days, I was still three days away from my usual change day.

Anyway, with a freshly installed appliance, I tossed my clothes and ostomy belt into the washer and went back to bed for a few more hours. When it was time to leave for work, the belt was still clattering around in the dryer so I left without it. When I got to work I sensed some moisture so I made another quick trip to the bathroom. Sure enough, more two-toned underwear and my pouch was MISSING! It wasn't in my shorts; it wasn't in my pantleg; it wasn't on the floor! Where the expletive could it be?! Thankfully, I keep an emergency kit in the office and was able change underwear, attach a new pouch AND the belt I kept in my emergency kit.

I now became concerned about where this damn pouch was. Had it slid down my pantleg while I was talking to a well-wisher (I only returned to work three weeks ago after a 10-month absence? Was it in the parking lot? I felt some relief after retracing my steps and not finding it, but the mystery remained. The only thing I can think of is that I must've lost it when I stopped at a Target store on my way to work. I can just see it lying on the floor in front of the Customer Service counter (I wonder if it was turned in to Lost & Found) or in the parking lot ("Mommy, what's this thing on the ground here?" and Mommy wondering, "What kind of pervert would put a barrette on a condom?")

Lessons learned? Don't roll over on your right side in bed, and, if you use an ostomy belt, don't leave home without it.
Bill


One of the pleasures of having a stoma is inviting your friends for tea and serving them a boil in the bag curry. After which you discuss and describe your illie, pouches and contents. Goes down a treat or should I say comes back up a treat.
Michele
When my surgeon removed my rectum, etc a year after my ileostomy, I complained that now I would have no place to hide my wallet or keys when I went swimming. On the up side of it, the keys got rusty and the money soggy, but the best part was that I no longer had to worry about pickpockets.
Verne
One of the pleasures of having a stoma is inviting your friends for tea and serving them a boil in the bag curry. After which you discuss and describe your illie, pouches and contents. Goes down a treat or should I say comes back up a treat.
Michele
I had an ileostomy and resection with j-pouch construction. To help ease butt burn, my surgeon recommended keeping the area dry with corn starch. It works, and on a recent trip where I had to pass through security at LAX, I had a humorous experience. I was passed throught the x-ray scan without a problem, but one of the security personnel pulled me over and wanted to look at my laptop. When I started to open the case, she said don't, and preceeded to wipe a small cloth sampler over the outside of the case. She placed it in a sensor box, and with a puzzled look, repeated the process, then let me pass. I deduced from the experience that she had seen (with astute vision) some smudges of white powder on the laptop case. After the sensor didn't register corn starch, she concluded that I was "clean"!
Samuel
When my daughter was about 10, she asked me if all girls got ileostomies - she'd heard about growing up and thought maybe that's what they were talking about. I didn't even realise she'd noticed I had one.
Patricia
I have had my ostomy from a very early age, I love traveling. The first time I was on a plane I was about 9 years old, I was so excited "I was going on my fist holiday outside the UK". I took the window seat (not such a great idea). I was with a group of about ten women, they were my mother's work friends. I was quite shy and the seating was not comfortable. I sprung a leak, it started as a small leak but every time I moved it got worse, I was so embarased, I couldn't move. The only problem was that as soon as the plane landed I knew I then had to move.
Getting off the plane I offered to carry all the bags, hoping to hide my wet patch. I don't think it worked, but no one said anything. By the time I got to the hotel I was soaking.
Malkyc (Scotland)
I stated to my surgeon when getting ready for my reversal operation (pouch) that I had become quite attached to my stoma!! Not that funny I know but it did give me some much needed light relief at the time.
Tglass
Two responses from a friend, Luann after she knew I had an ileostomy:
So, Tommy, you can basically be standing in line for a burger and relieve yourself.
You know Tommy didn't fart, his butt is just for show.
What would a dog's ostomy pouch be?
A doggie bag!

Sorry, someone had to say it!
Kate


When they tried to give me an enema when having my first baby, the nurse said 'what's going on here?' I hadn't mentioned my ileostomy and they hadn't asked! Bet she did after that.
Patricia
Humor in the "kids say the darndest things" category. My daughter who has had numerous procedures which involve some sort of tubing placed in her rectum, urethra, etc has said the following to the medical personnel doing the probing. To an x-ray tech getting ready to do a barium enema, "hey bud, that is supposed to be an exit, not an entrance." Said to the same tech, prior to a different procedure, "well, with friends like you, who needs an enema?" And my most favorite saying from the mouth of my 10 year old daughter who has an ileostomy and just recently had a continent urinary diversion......(this she said to her urologist) "when you are finished with the surgery, you might was well tattoo on my butt, ""no service this exit""....
Connie
As a flight attendant I always tell my co-workers that "I have my own personal floatation device".
Angel

There is a '60's folksong entitled; "Leaving on a Jet Plane".....the first line says "My bags are packed and I'm ready to go".....if an ostmate wrote the song the line would say; "My bags are packed, I've already gone!"
Sandy
Picture yourself on a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
The girl with colitis goes by...

Well, that's what I always thought they said anyway :-)


My best buddy and I quite often have debates on any subject. He would quite often tell me I was full of sh-- if he strongly disagred with something I said. The first time he said this after I had my operation, I undone my zipper of my pants, made out to throw my bag at him, and said "not for long buddy". He laughed and said he would never make that remark again. But he hastily followed up by observing that I would not have thrown my bag at him anyway because I was too gutless. He has a wild sense of humour.
My favourite remark about my ostomy is that "if God had known about plastic when He created Man, He would have given everyone this option instead of that stupid Septic System" A holding tank is much better.

Cliff
Page 2 Of Ostomy Humour



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